I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
