tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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