Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
