Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
