just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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