You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
