What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
