How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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