My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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