Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
