just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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