I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
