She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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