Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
