Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
