So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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