We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
