I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
