life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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