Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think I sprained my soul last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
