connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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