I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
