Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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