Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
