When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He passed out mid-signature
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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