there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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