Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
