Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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