i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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