Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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