Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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