Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
