apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
