There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
