come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
