i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
