everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
