I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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