Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
