Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We talked him into tasing himself.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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