my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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