woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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