at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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