my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
