it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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