matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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