My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
