1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Help. Why am I so naked?
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