its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize