I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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