Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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