Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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