dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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