White coat. Heels.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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