I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
