My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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