ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
