someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
