Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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