Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this just has baby written all over it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
