we're chasing vodka with high fives
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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