I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
