Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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